His Diary, Her Diary, The Rise Of A New Dark Lord
by serpentine17ice
Summary: Just when everyone thought they were safe, a new evil came into existence. Grindelwald, previously defeated by Dumbledore in 1945, is back. But Dumbledore is getting old and has not the power anymore. There is no Chosen One this time, or is there? HGDM.
1. Hermione's Diary Warning

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter, or else I wouldn't be here writing this. **

**Chapter 1 - Hermione's Warning**

_Hermione Granger's Warning and List of Punishments - Read This, But Do NOT Go Any Further:  
_

_If you – the nosy person looking at my personal belonging – has the sudden strange (not to mention odd) and annoying urge to read my _private _diary, DO NOT PAY ATTENTION TO IT! If you do, then I regret to say that I will hence-forth be forced to do one of the following things (once I bother to find out who you are of course):_

_1. Hex you into oblivion (I _will _track you down to do this!)._

_2. Kick you from here to Scotland Yard and/or Azkaban (it's a violation of privacy I tell you! A violation!)._

_3. I will perform the _Imperio _curse on you (hello Azkaban for me)._

_4. Have you suffer for the rest of your life by having the word 'Nosy' printed in green pimple across your face (no one, and I mean _no one _crosses Hermione Granger!)._

_5. __Cut off your head and transfigure it into a quaffle._

_6. Set a herd of centaurs on you._

_7. Have my cat Crookshanks scratch your eyes out._

_8. Burn you alive (a bit violent isn't it? This is why you shouldn't read my diary)._

_9. Do to you what I did to Malfoy once (and no, it does not involve calling you a ferret)._

_10. Dump rotten food on you and bewitch rats to follow you.  
_

_11. Report you to Dumbledore (doubt that he'd really care, but you never know…)_

_12. Provoke a flock of hippogriffs to chase you around the school._

_13. Make you join S.P.E.W._

_14. Give you the evil eye._

_15. Mmm… make you apologise? (will think about it – though very unlikely; don't get your hopes up)._

_16. Feed your bloody carcass to the thestrals._

_17. Disembowl you and feed your intestines to the owls.  
_

_18. BLACKMAIL!_

_19. Stalk you and then kill you.  
_

_20. All of the above._

_P.S. If you still exist from the boredom of having to read my mundane list of imaginary punishment, please have the courtesy to oblige me by being too scared/bored to continue any further._

**A/N: Okay, I know the beginning wasn't funny enough, but I hope the list is neurotic and funny enough to make up for it. Read and review! Well, you've already read it, but... just review.**


	2. Draco's Dream Diary

**Disclaimer: If everyone owned Harry Potter besides JK Rowling, then the world would be a happier place. **

**Chapter 2 - Draco's Dream Diary: Page One **

_Draco's Dream Diary_

_**Title: **Draco's Divination Dream Diary which he must do or he will fail the stupid subject which he never wanted to do anyway_

_**Aim**: To write down fuzzy-edged dreams that I don't remember, nor intend to (I'll just make some up)._

_**Reason**: A hag with big eyes wants me to 'see the subconscious of the Unseen'… freak._

_**Before you start your Dream Diary, please complete this survey so your professor may later on check to see if your future is destined to be fixed on the art of Divination: **(the likelihood of that ever happening!)_

_**How old are you: **What kind of stupid question is that? If you can really see or know everything, then why bother asking these sorts of questions? Alright then, almost seventeen._

_**What is your name: **Duh. Isn't it obvious? The infamous Draco Malfoy: smart, handsome, cocky, suave, etc who has girls falling over their feet to just look at him… Who am I kidding…_

_**Sex: **Eww... do you have to ask with that word? I mean, wouldn't gender be better? Sounds like someone's desperate... Male.**  
**_

_**Hair colour: **Whitish-blondish-gold._

_**Eye colour: **A stormy grey that makes everyone melt at the sight of them… um, just grey.  
_

_**Why have you chosen this art? **Because Mother forced me to, that's why. Do you know how hard it is to fend for yourself from a nagging mother when the only other male in the house is in Azkaban? Do you?_

_**Do you think you will be able to cope with this subject? **Does it look like I'm made to go to stuffy North Towers to listen to some goddamned witch droning on about how we're all going to ruin our lives and die?_

_**How would you rate your current subjects from favourite to least favourite? **Let's see… Potions, Transfiguration, Charms, Herbology, DA (because we never get a competent teacher, how is a werewolf supposed to teach us how to avoid werewolves if he never had a chance to do it himself?), Astronomy and lastly, this sodding subject._

_**Do you have any current enemies or people that hold a grudge against you? **Are we going to have a voodoo lesson or something? Because I wouldn't mind sticking a needle into Pothead, Weasel or mudblood Granger's brain/heart/any other vital organs. Blaise has a grudge against me because I interrupted his 'night activities' last year. If you know what I mean._

_**Do you have a current partner? **Is Trelawney trying to hit on us? I'm getting scared now… Wait no… Malfoys don't get scared. We stand up to our adversaries. Yes, I do have a girlfriend. Her name is Pansy Parkinson, and although pleasant enough in __some stuff (hint, hint) she's very dim-witted, and kind of resembles a pug._

_**Do you have any friends? **Yes, I have a lot of friends, none that I can name right now, because there are so many of them that I've forgotten what they're called… I'm serious! There's Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise, Pansy, and… err…_

_**Girl: state your bra size, Boy: how many abs? **…_

_**Are you gay? **Oh my god. That's it. The ugly-looking lame excuse for a teacher of a witch has gone mad._

_I'M NOT ANSWERING ANYMORE DUMB QUESTIONS! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I'M GOING TO QUIT THIS SUBJECT AND BURN THIS DIARY TO HELL!_

_Damn! McGonagall just told me that I can't quit! That **–censored-**! This is what she said:_

'There is no such thing as quitting, Mister Malfoy.'

'But, Professor! Granger quit!'

'That was an exception. She had too many subjects, so she could quit at her leisure. Besides, you have not even started this subject yet. How do you know that you would hate it?'

'Look at this!'

'Ah… that is merely a... misconception. I give you permission to dispose of this survey page.'

'But- but-'

'No buts Mister Malfoy. Sybil Trelawney may be a strange women, but she is no doubt competent in this… subject. If this was _my _class, I would sooner expel you than allow you to quit. No student in this school may quit, unless they have the Headmaster's permission.'

'But… Granger…'

'Once again, Mister Malfoy, Miss Granger was an exception. Now run along, and enjoy the last minutes of sunshine before class starts. I believe you have Divination?'

'Yes.'

'Excellent. My advice is to pay attention to every detail. Good day, Mister Malfoy.'

'Yes Professor.'

_Can you believe her? Anyway, I'm going to burn these pages. At least no one will be able to read them._

_Arrrgh! They won't smolder! That **–censored-** of a teacher! Alright, if you won't burn, then I'll tear you apart!_

** Note: pieces of paper were found in the Head's common room this morning. They were put together by curious house-elves, and read in hushed whispers, fearful of a reprimand.**

**A/N: Not much... Oh, by the way, if you're reading this story, then REVIEW! Or something terrible and seriously spooky might happen... Yes. That is a threat. -shakes head- I'm getting far too desperate...**

**Thanks to: Dianafefe1, jelly, icicles-light, I lUv JeSsE mCcArTnEy, kittenluvur55369 and Silidons! And the rest of you who've read but never bothered to review... -growls-  
**


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